Week 17

The End of the Beginning

By Bob Graziano

Last week the Grazianimal was 3 and 1 again. Mere mortal would be thrilled with another winning week but the Big City Cycho was pissed. Why? Cause Mora the Junior cost me a perfect week. How do these clowns (NFL Head Coaches) get into these cherry jobs and not know their ass from their elbow? Mora goes for a tie?!? I had the damn Falcons!

Alright, Mora the Lesser had the most incompetent coach in the history of the league for a pop, so he was not getting the best instruction. But this guy does not know he needs to know the ramifications of the game he is playing until the play clock is ticking?!? ?!?!?!? How bout that? I used to work out all the playoff possibilities when I was twelve. My fault for picking him.

If you won your league last week then great for you. How ‘bout a loan? If you didn’t, like me, and you are back in the real world, well, the real world sucks, unless you are Shaun Alexander. He should be #1 in any draft. LT showed injury issues in the Fantasy crunch and LJ is SA in his dreams. If ya snag Tiki with #4 or #5 ya should be real happy late next year too.

All right, let’s get down to the knitty gritty. Two games on New Years Eve. Everybody and their mama is picking the Chargers over the Bucking Broncs ‘cause Denver already announced that they would not be making the trip. There is not such a consensus with the other game. The Giants need a win for the division and a post season home game. The Raiders need a win because they stink. Randy Moss had such a bad season you would think he was still a Viking. LaMont J is gonna miss this contest with a nagging big toe. The Giants have no defensive backfield, and they are auditioning Linebackers in the stadium parking lot. Eli is from New Orleans so he won’t be uncomfortable in the freak show that will be Raiderland on New Years Eve, but that does not mean that he will be able to hear himself think. The G-men are not road warriors by any means. The Raiders haven’t had a good day at the office since Marcus Allen was a whipper snapper. What am I getting at? I can already see the Giants saying in the post-game interviews that making the playoffs is all that matters. Raiders Baby!

I got the Panthers because the Falcons screwed me last week. I know that you should not gamble on tilt, but the Panthers are going to put this team down. The Panthers need the win and the Falcons just got a look into the mind of a Mora. I can’t see this team fighting hard when they have been a laughingstock all week because their coach was lost. Taxi! See ya in late July.

The game of the week is The Never Gonna Die Redskins and the We Been Dead For Months Eagles. The Eagles should be ashamed of the way they defended the NFC crown. The injuries are uncontrollable, but the circus was all their fault. Simply bad P.R. Coach Reid. The Skins have fought and fought and the whole damn team showed up for Clinton’s press conference this week. Even Ramsey is still better then McMann. They will know that the division is theirs for the taking when they take the field. Braves scalp these fightless Eagles.

The Bush Bowl! Texas at San Fran. Think Kiper is watching this one? I think the Sam Houston’s show some pride and pound the hapless miner 1849er’s. A 5 way tie in the Reggie sweepstakes.

Redskins Rule! The Cats have Poultry. The Raiders make the Giants crawl in, and Reggie goes back to SC.

Happy New Year!!

Week 16

Tragedy Strikes.

By Bob Graziano


I am sure that you have all heard the news. Only days before Christmas, Tony Dungy’s first born was found dead in his Florida apartment. There are no words to express the sorrow. My deepest condolences to the entire Dungy family.

This last sad turn overshadowed a week of football that was the finest in 2005. Week 15 saw the Giants bounce the Chiefs with an all time performance by Tiki Barber. The Skins dismantled the Cowboys to set up a monster contest on Christmas Eve with those aforementioned G-men. New England trounced Tampa, the Bears bounced back against the Dirty Birds, Seattle survived a game McNair, and most shocking of all the Bolts bounced the Colts. The Shula crew poured bubbly again after San Diego shocked the world, or at least the press, and kept their flickering playoff hopes alive.

On the police blotter, Daunte Culpepper and 3 other Vikes were indicted for their roles in the Love Boat fiasco. Mike Tice also saw his winning streak slip under the waves as the Steel Curtain slapped those rampaging Vikings down. No other coach has done as fine a job in the face of the pure lunacy that has been the Vikings season. That being said, Coach Tice must find playoff tickets under the tree if he is going to get serious consideration for Coach of the Year. At this point I don’t see how his job could be in jeopardy. Randy Moss split before the season began; his all pro QB got himself taken off the field looking like a pretzel and is staring jail time in the face and Fred Smoot has spent the season causing trouble for everybody but opposing wide receivers. Not to mention that clip Tice suffered on the sideline. Tice is the guy they should keep. The rest of these clowns are the ones that should be packing their jock straps.

In Fantasy Land, most leagues are having their Championship games this week. I wish all the best to all the players that have finished in the money. Championships are what it is all about. A tip to all commissioners: in my league the Commish has paired up the entire league in various Bowls for the Holiday. For example the Get a F****** Name Already Bowl for the two dudes in our league that never gave their teams a name. This is both a fun way to end the season and keeps everybody interested in the league.

Last week I was 3 and 1 with my picks, only losing with the Colts of all teams. I have been so good at telling the future this season that there is a line of gypsies outside my house looking for advice. They are building a shrine to me at the OTB on the corner and my bookie just skipped town. The Grazianimal sees all!

This week promises gifts galore for football fans as the NFL is gearing up for its own playoff run. If you are still alive then you should be careful playing guys on teams that have clinched their berths already. Of course if you are still alive then the hell with you.

Game Number 1: Giants at Redskins

The G-Men march into Fed-Ex with a lead in the division and a lopsided victory over the Redskins in hand. Everything can change on a dime as the Redskins have remained relevant with a three game win streak and an 8 and 2 conference record. Tiki Barber is coming off a record setting 220 yard performance against the chiefs that has got people chattering about MVP consideration. The Giants have succeeded by any measure, turning a 4 and 12 team into a 10 win team with two to play. They have overcome a weak early defense and inconsistent QB play from Eli mostly with outstanding contributions from their veterans and a breakout season from Osi Umenyiora. They have also done it mostly at home. The Skins sport the biggest stadium in football and it is going to be loud. They got over that midseason swoon, got out of ‘Zona alive and pounded a hapless Cowpuke team just like was predicted in this column. Clinton Portis refuses to give up on the costume gag and I love it. Brunell is the exact opposite of Manning; over the hill, old, and super experienced. The kid is the only 2 and 3 on the road. Skins make the NFC East go down to the last weekend.

#2: San Diego at K.C.

This game is most likely an eliminator game for the loser. Both these teams have been called the second best team in the AFC at one point or another but both have piled up the bad losses. Larry Johnson has been putting on elite performances ever since the Priest went down for the season. LaDanian is all-world but comes into town nursing bruised ribs, the kind of injury that feels fine until the first lick of the game. K.C. has injury issues with Eddie Kennison nursing a bum knee. The Chiefs are way tougher at home then on the road, only losing one. The Bolts are gonna freeze. Chiefs put the sunset on sunny San Diego.

Game #3: Atlanta at the Bucs

This is another pick-um’ game with a shot at the playoffs at stake. The Buccaneers are in better position, but the Falcons are dangerous with Mike Vick at the helm. Both these teams were exposed last week against superior competition on the road and in cold weather. Lucky for both teams the game is in Florida. I wish I was in Florida. I could sublet my apartment out to the butcher as an extra meat locker. This game is gonna come down to playmakers. I like Dunn better than Cadillac and Vick better than Simms. Galloway is the wild card as he has no opposite on the Falcons team. It will come down to who wants it more so I am going with the Dirty Birds because they had the desire to make the NFC title game last year.

Bonus Pick: The It Means Less Than Nothing Bowl

I got the Seahawk scrubs over the Colt back-ups. This game is a possible preview of the Superbowl in laundry only as nobody of consequence will log more than a quarter.

Falcons piss off Chucky, Chiefs excuse Marty, and The Redskins snuff out the Tiki torch, with the Great Northwest raining on Indy.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to All!!

Send regifts to grazianimal@columnist.com

Week 15 Musings

The Grazianimal Rambles On.

The playoff picture is coming into focus. The Colts are in and so are the Seahawks. That leaves 10 spots to be decided and uncountable Fantasy Championships to be awarded. Most leagues are down to their final four so consider yourself blessed to still be setting your line up. Lucky for most Fantasy players, with playoff hopes alive all across the league there will be few teams resting their studs in week 15. Even the Colts are playing for history so coach Dungy should let his boys post some numbers before putting them out to pasture.

It is not professional sports if some spoiled millionaire is not whining about something that the rest of us would give up our first born to endure. This week it was Aaron Brooks’ turn to give us all a little insight into how insulated from reality pro players are. I am not going to dignify his remarks with a quote. Dude, your city was destroyed. A nuke could have gone off in New Orleans and fewer people would have been displaced then after Katrina smashed the gulf coast. Get a grip. As if the Saints would not have sucked anyway. They are the Saints. Their home games are not on TV in the Big Easy. Haven’t been for years.

Last week I was a crappy flag away from another winning week almost calling that Brown upset. The officiating in this league is at an all time low. My favorite press conference all week is Mike Pereira on the NFL network explaining all the brain dead decisions. I am always incensed after it is over. The replay chickens have come home to roost. The zebras are afraid of their own shadows and must stare at each other looking for affirmation on the simplest of plays. Hey, what do you think the super slo-mo replay will show on this one? That I am incompetent, lost, and blind? Let them call these games in real time. Replay is stupid. Unless you like your football with ambivalent decision making, extra delays, confusing reasoning and a big old helping of second guessing from pencil necked announcers.

On to week 15. The chips are all on the table. By my count every team but the Jets has a shot, so we should see some desperate football. Games start on Saturday so set those line-ups early. There are all sorts of huge games this week, lets look at the big ones.

The Skins host the Cowboys in what might shape up to be an elimination game in the NFC East. Everybody remembers the Injuns winning in Dallas on two last second TD bombs to Santana Moss. Washington has been as inconsistent as any team in football, scratching their way back over five hundred with a two game winning streak. Dallas laid an egg in New York and then needed a penalty to save their cookies last week against Kansas City. These teams are coached by Hall of Famers so this season is against type for both of them. Anybody that says they know what will happen is full of malarkey. Here is what will happen. Drew Bledsoe makes everybody on the opposite sideline look good with yet another late season flop. There is a reason he keeps having to look for work.

Mike Tice looked so lost it was like he got to Minnesota by airplane crash. Dead black kids were telling him he was canned for sure in backwards mumbo jumbo speak and then disappearing into the mist of 10,000 lakes. There was a curly haired fat kid wandering around the practice field in a daze. Then a funny thing happened on the way to the unemployment line. His superstar QB went down for the season and all of a sudden Mike had his team back. Brad “Rodney No Respect” Johnson showed why he has one more Super Bowl ring then the Vikings franchise and the purple people eaters pounded out six wins in a row.

Now Mike is on the short list for Coach of the Year, the Vikes are staring the playoffs right in the face and Koren Robinson looks like the player so many of us drafted way back when. The Vikes are one game out of first place after the Bears stumbled in steel town. Did anyone see this coming when the press was in a swing party induced feeding frenzy back in week Love Boat? Kudos to the Long Island boy Tice, what else can you say? Pittsburg wins this week in Minny.

I am more tired of talking about the Colts than Terrell Owens. But they refuse to lose and this week they have a shot to put the knife into San Diego. The Chargers are trying to go golfing as bad as any team in the league. The Texans have more fight. Nick Saban said he could care less about wins 3 weeks ago and the Bolts went and handed him another one. Frerotte to Chambers is not Peyton to Marvin. The Colts are at home and that means Dungy ties Shula.

Picking the Colts does not even count anymore. So here is a bonus pick.

Chi-town vs. Hotlanta. The Birds looked great last week beating New Orleans and the Monsters looked sad in steel town. I am not worried about Mike Vick’s injury today as much as the injury he will get on Sunday night. On the other side Kyle Orton looks terrible when they win and last week he looked as bad as a NY Jet in the loss. Can he return to his winning ways? Will he get a chance or will we see the first of Rex? The Bears can’t let up because the Vikes somehow are right behind them. The Dirty Birds need this one too, so we will finally get some good football at 8:30. Home cooking wins this one. Da Bears.

I got the Redskins to stay relevant, the Steel Curtain to snuff Miracle Mike, the Colts to make some history, and the Bears to put the hurt on MV.

Somebody please e-mail grazianimal@columnist.com

Week14

Here Lies the Grazianimal

By Bob Graziano


I didn’t even want to write this week’s piece. Why? Because I got bounced, that’s why. 13 weeks of fictionalized competition, drafting Curtis Martin and Daunte Culpepper, watching the Redskin Dee stink up the field and what do I have to show for it? 200 bucks light in the wallet and I am the first in line for Ric’s 2006 Draft Bible. My team was the best of the rest. Where is the justice?

I have been giving advice this season but all you guys still playing should be giving it to me so I am gonna keep my comments to week 14 and the meaning of life. The meaning of life is making the playoffs. As for football…

The Eagles moved this week to screw T.O. out of his signing bonus money. What a surprise. This guy got up on a broken leg to bring down 125 yards in the SB and all he got for Christmas was an ass rape. This is the thing, the league and the team mandate that players make themselves available to the press. T.O. has to speak. He does not have to do it in his living room, but that is just semantics. Football wants players to talk to the press, I guess only if they spout the party line. In a league with a salary cap what do you expect besides communism?

I know T.O. is an asshole and he would not stop yapping. I know he makes more cash then the rest of us combined, but this whole thing stinks. America is supposed to be safe for assholes. It is in the land of the unenlightened where people are supposed to be scared of a dissenting opinion. If you think that Big Business can screw a dude making millions with all his lawyers and agents and that attitude does not filter down to Johnny Stooge like you and I, then you are an idiot.

When did all this Marxist-Leninist thought get to be considered good thinking? People were killing T.O. in Philly 9 to 1. A day does not go by with out some moron yapping about a salary cap in baseball or some other artificial way to insure “parity” or “fairness”. You know what’s fair, Freedom.

In non labor law related news, Kerry Collins sucks so bad he has turned Randy Moss into Donte’ Stallworth. The Raiders are so fed up that they are going to start Marques Tuiasosopo, a guy that was knocked out in his only career start. They are playing the Jets so he might look like a stud come Sunday night.

If you have been waiting all season for Eric Moulds to do something positive then don’t dust off that happy face tee shirt just yet. He managed to get himself a one game suspension for conduct detrimental this week. Just another wide receiver taking it in the shorts for a team with a quarterback problem. Have the Buffalo coaches been watching their team? Losman and Holcomb ain’t Montana and Young.

The Jets announced that Jay Fiedler might miss all of next year. The Jets are such a mess I just got to get on them. Fiedler took the field and was instantly injured for what might be two years. Does this stuff happen to any other team in sports? They are gonna be just good enough to lose Reggie Bush, but that is alright because Matt Leinart might be Joe Namath.

Picking 3 road teams I was 2 for 3 last week. My only loss was the Cowboys at Giant Stadium. These guys blew as bad as any team coached by the Tuna I have ever seen. The G-Men converted 4 of 15 3rd downs and won. I have got to hand it to Strahan and Tiki and the Giant veterans. They have gotten to 8 and 4 with a hit or miss QB and an interesting, to say the least, defensive backfield.

This week the Browns are getting 12 points to travel to Cincy and put Chad Johnson to the test. This just in… Chad guaranteed my lease and a bumper crop of soybeans. The Browns will start Charlie Frye after his solid performance last week. Ruben Droughns is just as productive on the Browns as he was last year on the Broncos. Romeo Crennel might be the most even keeled coach in the game this side of Nick Saban. The Bengals might be on their way to the Super Bowl. Chad sure thinks so. I would not be telling you about this game if I was picking a huge favorite. The Browns shock the Johnsons.

The Colts have a real opponent this week. No more Texans and Titans. The Jags beat a game Browns team last week with David Garrard at the helm. The Jags are 9 and 3. How did this team get to 9 and 3? Fred Taylor is out every other week. Jimmy Smith has been consistent if not as spectacular as when the season started. Greg Jones has gotten the job done as Taylor’s replacement. They’re at home. And there is no way that they stop this Colts team.

Chicago marches into Pittsburg as an underdog after showing the Pack the door. The Bears are on an 8 game winning streak and this week saw an argument about the QB’s starting job. A quarter’s job is to win, not get injured in the preseason. I think Lovie is smart enough to know that. Last week exposed the Steelers as a pretender in 2005. Big Ben is a week or two away from surgery. Still, the computer has Pitt in what I think would be a big upset. I don’t see it. Expect to see Charlie Batch taking a few snaps in this one. The Bears march on.

This week it’s the Browns, Bears and Colts and no bending over for The Man.

grazianimal@columnist.com for directions on winning playoff games.